More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This is classic penis vs brain.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
