An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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