I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
