Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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