You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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