I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
