Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
