We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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