theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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