so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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