First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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