I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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