I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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