So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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