Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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