She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
