I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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