I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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