You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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