Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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