I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize