my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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