There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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