I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
