when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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