she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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