Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
