Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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