Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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