either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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