I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
