Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
