Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
