You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
