I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
