I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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