Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
