matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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