there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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