I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
