I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
