I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
