you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
