Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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