she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
