My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
