Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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