She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
