dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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