I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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