i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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