My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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