Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize