the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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