I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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