So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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