i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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