I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
