I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
