Can i not drive my cunt home
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
